Harnessing the Horror of the Peanut

We interrupt the 80s Music A-Z countdown to bring you this public service announcement! 

 

We have a cannibalistic cult leader on our airwaves and we need to stop it before it goes too far. 

For many years, we have had to watch as poor, depressed, deluded foodstuffs have attempted to end their lives in sacrifice for the betterment of mankind. In other words, there have been anthropomorphic, animated chicken, pigs, fish, and such trying to have themselves eaten by smiling humans that seem to have no problem with having their meals suddenly break into song or doing their best to convince them why they are worthy of being devoured.

It may have gone on for much longer, but the first time I noticed this was with Charlie Tuna. Charlie appeared pretty happy-go-lucky, for the most part, as he would try his best to convince the canners of Star-Kist tuna that he had good taste. They would inevitably send down a note, alerting Charlie that they were looking for tuna that taste good, not ones that had good taste. Now, this could be chalked up to a misunderstanding on Charlie's part. Perhaps he didn't realize that if he were to be chosen, he would be chopped into millions of pieces and combined with boiled noodles and cheese. As evidence of that particular theory, I present:

Notice in the above video that Charlie doesn't necessarily realize what fate awaits were he to be picked. His yellow, goggle-eyed companion, however, seems pretty aware. But, Charlie is probably too stubborn to listen to reason. Lucky for Charlie, he never will develop the correct ratio of "great taste/ tastes great" that gets him the hook.

The California Raisins didn't wait around for some nebulous corporation to pick them to become a healthier alternative to Cheetos. As you can see from the clip below, they just happily dance their way to their deaths.

More recent suicidal edible items are the Kellogg's Mini-Wheats. Though, they may just be oblivious idiots. As seen in this video, they are content with lazing about in a bowl of warm milk, either unaware that they're about to be breakfast for the devious child, or they know and just don't care. Either way, a bit creepy.

Speaking of creepy, the no-longer-providing-new-updates website Suicide Food, features examples of the types of mascots that I'm talking about from all over. Mostly mascots from restaurants and such. Be warned, however, many of these are pretty disturbing.

But, now we are seeing the next step in the evolution of these disturbing little aberrations  - the cult leader that encourages such behavior.

I'm speaking, of course, of Mr. Peanut. That monocled maniac is now on television in commercials where he is actively encouraging humans to gorge themselves on his legume-y brethren. And we're not sure if the peanuts in question gave themselves up voluntarily, a la California Raisins, or has Mr. P committed mass murder. Regardless, the tiny top-hatted fiend has to be stopped.  First, it's his gullible goober brothers, next it's the humans whom he has plied with their salty goodness. Look at how they play right into his micro-gloved hands. It's only a matter of time.

Besides, we have to know that he's a fraud. I mean he wears a monocle, a top hat, gloves, and a vest. The stereotypical depiction of posh British aristocracy, yet he talks in the voice of  Bill Hader. That's right. Mr. Peanut is secretly Stefon.
 Come on, people. Don't give in.  Refuse the legume!